I just loved this paragraph from the book, and I wanted to know everyone's thoughts on this:
"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair." (pg. 104)
I loved this metaphor and it made me see things a little differently-from my parents perspective, and from my perspective as a parent. Will I smudge or crack? Will my kids forgive me for my inadequacies? What are your thoughts?
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I didn't get a chance to read the book but I really like that quote because I think it's very true. No matter how hard we try, we're still imperfect people. We are still going to do something wrong, but the good news is, we can try our best to do the least amount of damage possible.
ReplyDeleteI think it's more correct to say that all parents leave their mark... not necessarily do damage. Even when parents make mistakes it doesn't always have to be a negative.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, even with my little Jack, there have been times when I have lost my patience and been a little too harsh, or I didn't listen to him the way I should have... thereby "leaving a smudge." But I am a firm believer in letting our kids know that we are human, and employing the principles of repentance and forgiveness.
When these things happen with Jack I go to him and say "You know what Jack? Mommy was wrong. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you... can you tell me again?" I even ask for his forgiveness... which he freely gives bless his heart... and we start over. We windex that smudge right off.
I think issues unaddressed will damage our kids, but that if we take the time to address them and try to fix it that our kids will learn from our mistakes and even some good can come out of us. It teaches our kids that we are human... that they can talk to us... that in our family even when we make mistakes it's okay and we can work through it and be alright again.
Having said that I do think there are SOME things that are really difficult to take back and we have to be so so careful not to leave lasting damage.
I like the metaphor but I am also a believer in windex and glue, and working together as a family.
I did read the book and I love that you picked this quote Shayla because it is one that I stopped and thought about for a long time before I could go on. Even now I find myself thinking about it while I'm working out, etc.
ReplyDeleteIn light of the comment above I have been thinking a lot about what things parents do that are "shaping" as opposed to "damaging" and what exactly it takes to become "damaging." I have found it amazing how forgiving children can be, but where is the line where these influences go from smudges to cracks? I'm not a parent yet, but I know from my relationship with my parents that there is a line and that line is actually in a different place with each parent.
I also have been thinking that this quote applies to all relationships, not just the parent/child relationship. It really makes you take a step back and look at your previous interactions.
I agree with alot that has already been said. The most important thing to remember I think is that forgiveness sets you free. If you choose not to forgive, and it is a choice, it can become a heavy burden to carry around your whole life. Looking at it from the perspective of one who's kids are raised, I can think of many ways that I could have been, and should have been a better mother. At this time I can't change that. I certainly hope that my kids don't remember what I did wrong and if they do, will forgive. As someone already mentioned, we are not perfect, we came here to work on perfection. I'm glad that we have an eternity to do that. What I can do now is just try each day to do better and go forward.
ReplyDeleteMy two cents?
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to have the eternal perspective I have. We are able to have a guide to the important things in parenting. I don't know what parents do without that help. It's so hard to see students who already by fourth or fifth grade have been so damaged either by neglect or by overindulgence that I see the way their life may possibly turn out. Will this make me a perfect parent? Probably not. But, I know Jared and I get points for trying to do our best.
The beauty of it is we also help to add the stained glass windows and see the beauty each day. That's my favorite part.
Wow! Ashlee, I always think you express yourself so well. I admire that. I agree with what has been said so far, but would like to add.
ReplyDeleteI think that once we grow up, (barring anything really horrible that our parents may have done) and mature enough to realize that we don't have to be the way our parents raised us, we can stop blaming them for our problems and use certain things as an example of how not to be. Showing that again, our parents don't necessarily have to damage us. I think that becoming a parent yourself definitely gives a more forgiving perspective for all the faults of your parents.
From a different perspective, I think of my own dad in this case. I truly believe that every decision he made during my childhood was what he believed would be in his children's best interest -yet because of his own internal flawed nature and views, his actions were skewed and damaging in their own way. The important piece to remember is that no person is perfect: yet these imperfect people have somehow been trusted with the enormous responsibility of raising new human beings -helping to shape their characters and lives. It's the human-ness of the parents that give the kids (if they choose to take it as such) the balance of what life really has to offer. Life is not all roses and will not always come out with a satisfying ending to different circumstances. I believe the reality in which we find ourselves -and the allowance of humanity we give ourselves as parents is necessary to raise (and be ourselves) a well-rounded human being, much more able to function in a realistic world.
ReplyDeleteAnnette, I love your point about choosing not to forgive where you said, "...it can become a heavy burden to carry around your whole life." Just as our parents have the ability (and probability) to smudge, scratch, or shatter our glass, we as free agents have the ability to get the Windex - as Ashlee so wisely put - or the glue and do what is in our power to forgive. This clears our own glass so that we can more easily see what we're doing to our children's glass. A window full of smudges does not allow for a clear view, making the chances of making clumsy smudges on others' glass greater. Forgiveness, which comes from faith in the Atonement - not only for our own salvation, but the salvation of those around us (even the ones who have made choices that have affected us negatively) is key to finding pure joy.
ReplyDeleteI love the smudge/windex metaphor. THAT is exactly right. Repent/forgive and then FORGIVE YOURSELF or you will worry so much about their smudges you wont be able to enjoy the light shining thru each of them as they become adults and parents and your friends. I LOVE THE stage my kids are in. Young adults making their way and doing well and hoping for the best. dee
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I was so thrilled when I just saw that you had started an online book club. I hope you don't mind that I am totally inviting myself!
ReplyDeleteSecond, I loved this book, and I had forgotten about this quote, but I remember thinking it was interesting when I read it too. I don't have too much to add to what has already been said, but I love what Katie said. I've only been a mom for about nine months, but I feel the short experience has made me understand my own parents so much and helped me to see why they did things that I felt were wrong at the time. I think as we become parents, we realize the smudges and cracks may note be smudges or cracks at all. With a new perspective, at least in my own experience, I realize that what seemed to be a crack was really a building, growing experience. I am so grateful that my parents made decisions with foresight, or with divine guidance, even though those decisions seemed damaging at the time.