As a mom, just when I had the infant stage "under control" (which may have been a myth in and of itself), I have been thrust full force into toddler-dom, where there's some disciplining that needs to go on in an appropriate way, etc. and I am finding myself in uncharted territory once again!
I have been reading a book called "Things to Do with Toddlers and Twos" by Karen Miller this morning and came across a passage that raised a question. This book is obviously more geared towards day care givers in a classroom type situation, but she says that one thing you should never do is to force a child to say they're sorry because it breeds insincerity. My immediate reaction is that the child needs to learn the context for "sorry" and the only way she can do that is just like with learning "please" or "thank you"...you have to show the child how to use the word appropriately so they know what it means. It also states very clearly that you should not use food, stickers, candy, star charts, etc. for rewards, but in my experience, it's a great tool to teach good behavior. Am I just out in left field?
So, Moms, Grandmas, Future Moms, and anyone who interacts with toddlers, what is your opinion?
I also would like to know everyone's favorite parenting books as well. I just got "Happiest Toddler on the Block", but I am open to any suggestions!
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Because of different issues, with my kids, I have talked to a Psychologist over the years and his recommendations are to reward your kids for good behavior. And to use carts, points, or what ever works. I had a points and reward system that allowed the kids to earn different amount of points and spend those points on a reward. Simple things like 25 points for a grab bag at the gas station. With the older kids I did 400 points for a date with mom or dad to the movies or bowling. She is small so you could try a smiley face chart so she can see her progress and earn a sucker or pudding, some thing like that. Once they earn a point, don't take it away for bad behavior. Use a punishment of time out or what ever you choose. I probably said to much, but that is what works for us. Hope some thing helped. Please no offense to any one who deos it different.
ReplyDeleteIn all my great wisdom... ;) I thought that was very interesting that they said not to use charts and stuff. How old is that book? I just took infancy and middle childhood and am going to take preschool curriculum and some things the teachers (who are mothers and so have been there/done that) say is that they actually use positive reinforcement and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and it doesn't ruin them forever if you do. It really depends on the child. If it works, you should really go for it... but that's just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteBUT- the biggest thing I have been taught over and over again is that it doesn't matter as much what you do to reward or punish than you actually following through with it - promptly. I have seen the negative effects of parents...somewhere...not following through. I know I have no right to say anything cause I haven't been there but the consequences, on the parent (and everyone else around them) is worse than hearing your child complain throughout the punishment.
It prob doesn't mean much coming from a mother of an 8-month-old and you probably already knew this all, but I'm just babbling :)
Oh and if anyone gets on your case about how you raise your child... just remember- it's your child and they don't live with her. (I have to remind myself of that sometimes:)
Everything that I've ever read says that positive reinforcement is so so important. Maybe more important than negative reinforcement for bad behavior. So if charts and treats work for you....I say go for it. We probably couldn't have potty trained our three year old without it. And when you know that they know better, you can lose the treats. They adjust quickly. They're smarter than we give them credit for! Also, verbal positive reinforcement, (like that makes mommy so happy!) is super important too.
ReplyDeleteAs for the saying sorry thing...we ALWAYS make our three year old apologize when he does something wrong. Like you said, it helps them learn what "sorry" means, and even if he doesn't mean it for real, he's learning that it is important to apologize when we've done something wrong to make things better.
That's my two cents for what it's worth. Also, my favorite parenting book is The Mommy Manual by Barbara Curtis. It doesn't so much outline do's and don'ts, (which I think is good). It more gives general guidelines, and a good perspective on why kids are the way they are, and most of all how to foster good relationships.
At the end of the day, I think that the mom who spends all day with her kids knows much more about them and how to best parent them than any book. Go with your instincts.
Sorry this is long, but one more thing....just when you get used to two....here comes three, and to be honest, it's worse! :)
I pretty much agree with what's been said above. I think positive reinforcement is not a bad thing, but I would take away the treat or sticker fairly quickly so she learns to do things for the naturally positive consequences. As far as punishments, they should be appropriate to the crime, consistent, and always followed through with. For example, my kids know that certain behaviors (hitting, etc.) will earn them time in the corner. Other behaviors (getting out of bed) get a spanking, because time in the corner would totally defeat the purpose. I like to think that because they know the consequences ahead of time, they made the choice.
ReplyDeleteGranted, all of this worked much better with my 4 year old. 2 years old the second time around seems to be even more of a guessing game than it was the first time, and I haven't figured Alex out yet.
As far as "sorry," I think kids should be taught when to say it, but then as they get older, you can implement the importance of sincerity. I just had a discussion yesterday with my 4 year old that sorry means you'll never do it again, and that sorry doesn't make everything automatically better. But I think kids have to learn all of that step by step.
Wow. The whole not making your child say sorry thing is really interesting to me. I would be interested to hear what the author offers as an alternative. I personally think it is SO important to teach your child to say that they are sorry. Wow!
ReplyDeleteFor me I guess it comes down to the fact that I don't just want them to learn that: If I do something mean to another person then I will get in trouble. I would rather that they learn: If I do something mean to another person it will make that person sad and I need/want to help them feel better again because I am their friend or because I am a nice person or whatever... It just comes down to the fact that I want my kids to do good things because it's the right thing to do, not because of the fear of getting in trouble if they don't do it. If that makes sense...
I feel like by removing that small interaction with the other child you miss out on a whole other aspect of teaching. I want my kids to see that what they choose affects other people, and if they want to have friends they have to learn how to work past issues with them, and saying sorry is such an important part of that. I guess a lot of what you say BEFORE you make them say sorry counts. I think you need to try and help them (especially toddlers who play so much in their own little world... they just see a toy and grab... they don't necessarily even notice whether it was on the floor or in another childs hands) understand that what they did hurt another person.
I will say that I have been annoyed with other mom's who don't have their kids apologize to my sons. One time this kid totally ran over Jack ON PURPOSE with his bike. He was older and had some serious attitude issues. His mom put him in time out and then let him go without ever having him say a word to Jack. I thought "No wonder your kid has absolutely no regard for other people..." and Jack totally felt sad and wasn't able to play because the issue wasn't fixed for HIM. You can discipline your own child I guess but what about the other kid?
Also, when another child says sorry to Jack I appreciate it because I then have the opportunity to teach Jack how to forgive another person. If a child says sorry, I'll ask Jack something like "But he gave the toy back and your okay now right?" He says "yeah." and I'll say "Then you should tell him it's okay and you guys can play again." He'll tell the other kid "It's okay," and then he drops whatever sadness he has and moves on, and he just got some practice with forgiveness.
On a totally different subject I heard a quote recently on parenting that I LOVED. I think it will be an especially important thing to remember with teenagers. "Don't worry that your kids aren't listening to what you say, be more concerned that they are watching what you DO."
I hope I didn't offend anyone by what I said. I just kind of have strong feelings about saying sorry... I also VERY much agree with what has already been said about doing what is best for YOUR child.
I love all your above comments... and I just had to say that I always love how you phrase everything. I was so shocked that she said not to make your child say sorry because I have never ever heard of anyone saying that before, and I couldn't imagine why. But I'm glad to have had this discussion, because as Ashlee points out, there's so many teaching moments involved. And I think it depends on how you do it!
ReplyDeleteOK in the first place, the people who are saying that children shouldn't have to say sorry, are full of crap. I'm guessing that these are the same people who think natural consequences shouldn't happen. Second, I can't imagine Jocey could ever do anything that would require discipline! But at her age, any reward for good behavior is going to inspire more good behavior, and your approval is probably all she needs right now in most cases. If that doesn't work, tell her Aunt Nae is a kid payer and I have cash! (Also Uncle Lynn is too)
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